"It's your body, you can treat it however you please. The only area where you're free to do just as you like." - Han Kang
I like to think that pain is innate to human existence, it brings me a subtle warmth amongst all this suffering, that this twisted way is how we take control in situations- this external sentiment. Control is something we all seek when it gets tough, when it gets difficult to separate the days and nights as everything falls into this monotonous turmoil. This false presence of control in a situation is what drives us forward, the false idea that the pain caused to oneself is under constraint.
Acts of Desperation is an all consuming story about dependence on love to escape from the agonizing mundane of life. Our unnamed protagonist, a 20-something-year-old woman with a tenacious desire to be the object of someone's adoration. I say, object to emphasize on the lack of empathy that the narrator has towards herself as well as how she's viewed and treated as someone lacking emotions and feelings. Our protagonist is stuck in a constant cycle of anguish and she is inwardly tortured.
The story starts in 2012 (keep in mind the chapters are not written linearly). Ciaran is a magnetic writer, insecure because of his past relationships and all in all emotionally distant from the narrator, in my opinion. When they do get together, there is almost a sense of relief that the narrator experiences. She is even willing to let go of parts of herself to make sure Ciaran stays because the pain of loving someone as hyper critical as Ciaran is far better than having to exist in the unbearable anxiety of existing all alone. Reading this made me uncomfortable, it led me into a spiral of questioning on what I'd do for someone's love.
Returning to the book, Megan Nolan's writing leaves its readers feeling raw and vulnerable, her words strip you of your neutrality that you might have for a few characteristics because of the intense first person narrative fed to you by the protagonist. I think this book accurately depicts many current important topics like the female desire, relationships with food and alcohol and seeking out sex as a way of self harm.
Our protagonist is strong- willing; she knows that seeking out a relationship with Ciaran is the only thing that will keep her from feeling half empty, and she won't let anyone convince her otherwise. I find this in her to be amusingly saddening, to see her go to such lengths to find someone to give her what she wants. With Ciaran her pain was measurable; it was under certain boundaries and in my opinion that would have brought her immense amount of relief to know that there is an end and there is an answer.
Before Ciaran, the narrator fulfilled her desires through meaningless sex and alcohol purges. When you draw parallels to both these situations even though they are vastly different, you see similarities in her behavior. This book is certainly not for everyone, as it does touch on sensitive topics in a jarring way. I think Megan Nolan did a wonderful job in portraying how self destructive needs and habits will ultimately ruin whatever good in your life.
Commenti